Hello Tian,

It’s 2021 already and I’m still struggling to write without having to shed a tear.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KRISTIAN !!! May God send my greetings to heaven.

I feel that every letter I write since you left will always be about missing you it hurts and hoping you’re still alive. Every letter would feel the same pain and longing. I can still hear you clearly, the way you call my name and talk to me about random things. Your voice is still crystal clear and the memory of your face will always be the last time I saw you that I couldn’t remember. Maybe it was in Starbucks or in the mall.

I miss you everyday Tian. I know, years have passed by since you left but I still cry when I think of you. I told you before, I do not want to think of you because it still hurts. I still cry. I content myself of thinking of you during birthdays and death anniversaries or days before that dates.

Sometimes, when I’m all alone, feeling sad and you crossed my mind, I still replay all our conversations when we were still in College and especially our trip to Baguio for the NRYLI conference.

Maybe for others, I’m exaggerating, still crying over you and feeling sad of your passing. But you know, I can’t help it. I can’t fake sadness and I can’t prevent my tears from falling. Promise, I still miss you these days. Maybe it was the guilt of not spending more time and not having memories to share with you or because I didn’t have the chance to say goodbye. I still think you’re unfair, for leaving me behind. I stopped counting the years but I really pray that you’d visit me in my dreams and assure me that all is well with you and that I’ll get by somehow.

I know even if I stopped writing for you, I’d still cry. So I better write it than keep it to myself. I just realized we don’t even have a theme song/friendship song. You’re a good singer but I never get to share a song with you. Probably it’s for the better also. I wouldn’t get sad thinking of you when I hear a certain song.

I haven’t tried thinking of you in public or when I’m with people. I’m afraid I’d get teary eyed. Maybe I should do it for practice also, in order to help me, not to cry even when I’m alone. I feel so miserable at times, when I cry for you. I can’t get back a day. I can’t turn back time. I can’t see you again. TT.TT

I know life goes on without you. I’m trying my best too. Don’t worry even if you used to worry about me. I’m a big girl now. I can manage life. I don’t have much of a choice. I have to live my life.



PS || I bought that flowers for you.


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